Many children have difficulties with apologizing for their actions or misbehavior. That is because they don't know how to appropriately and openly express their remorse or regret. Some adults or peers might misperceive this as rudeness or disrespectful behavior. However, we must keep in mind that the ability to express one's remorse, as well as taking responsibility for one's actions, are learned skills. And, as such, they must be taught and modeled to the child.
It is important to note that children should not be forced to say "sorry" just for the sake of saying sorry. Yet, many parents force their children to apologize when, in fact, they feel no remorse. Such forced behavior will not restore broken relationships. Sure, it may diffuse the situation temporarily, but the deeper issues such as frustration, anger, bitterness, and disappointment remain. If so, inevitably future conflicts will occur, often more severe than the previous ones. On the other hand, a genuine and authentic apology will restore relationships.
So when teaching children to apologize, parents and teachers must allow the one who should be apologizing to, first, gain his or her composure. Further, the child should be given time to calm down and to reflect on his/her words and behavior. Here, the adult must have a private conversation through which the child should be prompted to consider his or her actions and words. The adult can, for example, suggest to the child as to how he/she might feel if the child was on the receiving end of rude or disrespectful behavior. Plus, the adult can ask the child as to what caused the inappropriate behavior, and how he or she will behave from now on to make things better for everyone.
In order to encourage the child to sincerely apologize, the adult involved in the situation must explain that apologizing shows the other person that the child is sorry for causing emotional or physical injury. This is the “recognition phase” of conflict resolution. Then, the child should be encouraged to apologize because apologizing will allow him or her to move on and get back to normal activities or routines. You see, apologizing allows the one who apologizes to move beyond negative feelings or guilt. That is why authentic apologizing is necessary, restorative, and cathartic.
It is important to inform the child that there may be consequences for the misbehavior or conduct. However, a sincere apology should reduce or lessen the severity of the consequences. Parents and teachers must navigate through this process carefully though. Reducing the severity of the consequence is NOT the primary reason why the child should apologize. Inducing the child to apologize so that he/she will face less severe consequences is basically manipulating the child. Having said that, if the child apologizes sincerely out of her own volition, then inform her that that will reduce the severity of consequences. If done properly, the child will learn that there are tangible benefits to apologizing authentically.
Some students may need model sentences or apology "starters." For example, an adult may ask the child to begin apologizing by saying, “ I'm sorry for…..” or, “ I would like to say that I'm sorry for..." and then have the child complete the sentence. Keep in mind that we're not asking the child to simply repeat a sentence--we are helping the child to verbalize what he/she truly feels because the child is unable to articulate the remorse.
Once the child has apologized, the one who received the apology must be guided to react properly. Most people, including children, are willing to forgive when a sincere apology is made. Children typically respond to an apology by saying something like, “That's okay,” or “ I'm sorry, too.” When such an exchange takes place among the children, parents, and teachers could seize the moment to pray for the involved children. That's a teachable moment! That's restorative.
So, parents let's remember that we must model the behavior to the youngsters, and that sincerity or authenticity is the key to apologizing. Do not force your child to apologize for something he or she is not truly remorseful. Use the practical tips provided here and guide your child to sincerely apologize.
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