Disappointment With Myself

I don’t really like myself. To be brutally honest, at times, I loathe myself. This may surprise some because I’m often labelled a role model, someone to look up to. Well, sorry to burst your bubble. The truth is, I’m not all that great or all that different from anyone else. 

Now, intensely disliking myself doesn’t mean I want to end my life or hide in a cave somewhere. And that's not how I feel about myself all the time. Please, allow me to explain what I mean in this essay. After reading it, I think you’ll get my point and agree with me about the deep sense of frustration, which I think all persons of faith have (or should have).

Though I’ve been a Christian for almost 50 years, I am nowhere near where I want to be in terms of maturity, faith, and bearing the fruit of the Spirit. That is, I know I ought to be better in so many ways and in various areas, but I’m just not there. So, I am dissatisfied with my development and growth, and I’m disappointed with myself. That disappointment at times reaches the level of disgust and self-loathing. 

For example, I don’t like the fact that I’m not as patient as I ought to be. Now, am I more patient today than when I was younger? For sure. But I’m not as patient as I should be. I’m still easily irritated by small things (e.g., drivers cutting me off and then giving me the bird) and some big things (e.g., bogus lawsuits or false allegations). I wish I could respond better, more civilly and calmly, you know, placing myself in their shoes for the change in perspective, and turning the other cheek, and raising the questions, “What Would Jesus Do?” before I react. But the bottom line is, I get upset, my blood pressure rises, and I even lash out verbally. 

For another, I can’t believe how easily my faith and confidence in God are shaken. Again, do I trust God more today than when I was younger? And am I more confident about God, His providence, and faithfulness now than before? Of course. But I’m nowhere close to how rock-solid I thought I would be. I guess I had imagined that, after half a century of a faith journey, I would be so locked in with the Lord that nothing should cause anxiousness or worries. Certainly, some will dismiss this frustration by saying, “Well, you were wrong to assume that from the start.” I know they’re right. I get it. But I desire greater faith, greater confidence, and greater patience because I know I could and should do better.

In other areas, too, I’ve grown and improved, but I’m not where I should be or want to be. So, I am unhappy and dissatisfied with myself. I am frustrated and, at times, even disgusted with myself. Is there any hope for disheartened believers like me? Why, yes, there is!

I’m reminded by Scripture that this dissatisfaction with my spiritual, emotional, ethical, or moral state is exactly how I should feel. It mirrors the Apostle Paul’s heart cry in Romans 7 and 8—why do I do what I don’t want to do, and why do I keep doing what I should stop doing?! This is the lament of all followers of Jesus, isn’t it? Any honest Christian who looks within will admit that there’s still a lot of gunk in there.

The house (or the heart) isn’t as tidy, clean, and organized as we assumed or desired or pretended. Spiritual growth has no end as long as we live in this house, the body. No magic wand can be waved to clean the house and keep it tidy. A lot of hard work, repetition, and relentless pursuit of holiness is required. 

This brings me to the idea of, well, discipline and effort. Paul wrote about not having obtained the prize but pressing on to get a hold of it, meaning even someone like him needed to keep making progress, keep moving forward, and keep striving to achieve more. If so, I need to do the same—all… the… days… of… my…. earthly life. 

Hence, as much as I loathe myself for falling short of my expectations and often grieving the Holy Spirit, this discontent also motivates me to push ahead. Yes, the disappointment with myself derails and deflates me at times, but ironically, it is the drive to learn, grow, and mature, a catalyst for growth, if you will. Some might call this holy discontent--a godly impetus for discipline and obedience--and they’re right to call it that. 

If you hunger for real spiritual growth—which is evidenced by emotional maturity, compassion for others, passion for His Kingdom, maintaining calm in the eye of the storm, etc.—know that that is exactly what growing believers should desire but clearly lack. And that keeps us going forward because we want to be better. It's like an athlete who wants to be better but doesn't have all the skills; thus, he practices more, he studies the film more, he pays attention to his coaches, he eats better, rests better, etc.

Parenthetically, I observe another effect of self-discontent and self-loathing: humility. As a Christian educator, I observe that students cannot learn unless they are humble. If a student refuses to learn, perhaps due to arrogance or selfishness or plain stupidity, he cannot learn, grow, achieve, nor set himself up for future success. No learning, no growth. No growth, no achievement. No achievement, no future. Plain and simple.

It’s no wonder that truly wise people echo Plato’s words, “I know that I know nothing.” Plato underscored that acknowledging your own limitations is the first step in learning and growing. Confucius also echoed that idea: "..to know what you know and what you do not know, that is true knowledge.” Hm. That's from a guy who lived 1500+ years ago, and we still quote him. Why? His wisdom has enduring value and timeless relevance. 

In the Christian context, self-discontent leads to humility manifested as follows:

• My own efforts cannot sufficiently produce the fruit of the Spirit; I need to depend on the Holy Spirit for progress, improvement, and fruition
• It is the Holy Spirit and Scripture that work together to change and transform me, inside and outside
• My ways and my selfishness often get in the way of this transformation; the long-term goal is clear: less of me and more of Him

Overall, we all need self-examination (2 Corinthians 13:5) that leads to the truth about ourselves—we're not as great as we think or pretend. Don't you believe all that great stuff others say about you either! We all have long ways to go.

When Jesus talked about carrying our own cross, and when Paul talked about running the race or working out our salvation with fear and trembling, they were talking about dying to the self, the ugly self that is egotistical, self-righteous, rude, contemptuous, and downright grotesque.

Denying yourself is, in essence, realizing that you’re not the center of the universe. You’re not the prince or the princess that your parents might have had you believe. You are not central to everything in life. The world can go on without you. Your family, and even your spouse, can go on with life fine without you, if we’re completely honest with ourselves!

So, hold on to life more loosely, letting go of your own agenda, your own personal gains, and your need to feel right and superior, high and mighty. I know this is hard. But without that approach to life, I cannot continue to grow, nor can I serve God and others effectively. Dying to myself, self-denial, relentless pursuit of holiness, carrying my cross—whatever the term is, one thing is clear: I need to change, be more humble, make improvements, and draw closer to God. 

Thankfully, God is far more interested in the process than my perfection. He wants me to learn and grow and improve. He is not even demanding immediate transformation, for the timeframe is now till I see Him face to face. What a relief!

Now, this does not allow me to say, "Que sera, sera,” or just go with the flow. It is not a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. I have a clear responsibility and goal for each day: take a step forward, put one foot in front of the other, inch closer to God, be open to His leading, teaching, and guiding, listen to the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit, learn from others, dig deeper into God’s word, and when presented with opportunities, share the insights with others.

The bottom line: while I don’t really like myself, He loves me enough to stay by my side and continue to invest in me. That is why I muster up the courage today to answer His call for me to share what I know with others—my family, students, and colleagues. If I can serve others with biblical insights and encouraging words, as the Holy Spirit does for me, I know that that can reduce the frequency and depth of heartaches and disappointments. 

I so appreciate God’s unparalleled, unending, and indescribable love and patience. And it is so reassuring to know that He loves me even though I feel unworthy and altogether unlovable. On that truth, I can continue to build my life.